Its not just about the mums ...

This month is Sands Awareness Month and this year, Sands are focusing on dads. On average,  a baby is stillborn or dies shortly after they are born every 90 minutes in the UK, so it is likely that most of you know a man affected by this tragedy who may be suffering in silence. This isn't helped by the fact the subject is still a taboo for many.  So I thought I would follow Sands' lead and focus my post on this issue to help drive awareness. 

A survey by Sands found that almost a third of men who lost their baby were not referred to any source of support.  This isn't to say that dads will always want support in the same way as mums - everyone deals with the death of a baby differently.  But it is so important that they know how to access support if they need it.  When Ava died, Nick dealt with it very differently to me.  Partly, I think he found it different because he hadn't carried her for 9 months.  But also, he is just a very different person to me - far more practical.  He knew we couldn't do anything to change what had happened so wanted to focus on how to support me and help us move forwards.

However, the social stereotype that men should be ‘strong’ and bottle up their grief can stop bereaved men getting the support they need.  When my sis lost her triplets, I read a lot about baby loss and found this poem about dads by Rosanna Phelan, which really touched me:

He Lost His Baby Too

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief.
Since "Men don't cry"; and "Men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's alright
And what she's going through,
But seldom take his hand and ask
My friend, but how are you?
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break,
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But 'stays strong' for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew,
And try to be so very brave.
He lost his baby too.

Reading that poem always makes me well up - its so unfair to ignore the dad.  Thankfully, Nick has a lot of amazing friends and I know that, when we lost Ava, they all gave him support in their own way - letters, a drink down the pub, telling friends the news so that he didn't have to.  We were very lucky.  But not everyone is.

When asked whether men and women deal with grief after the death of a baby differently almost everyone who responded to the Sands survey agreed, so Sands is looking for other ways to provide support to dads (beyond the more common helpline and support groups). For example, over the last year or so, a number of 'Sands United' football teams have been set up providing a new and invaluable way for men to support each other through a terrible experience.

I am so very proud of the work that Sands do and I'm so glad that I'm able to contribute a little through this challenge and these posts.  Still terrified that I'm not going to be able to complete the challenge but I've been training hard to try to make sure that I justify all your donations!  And when I am riding on the day, I will be thinking of you all, and all the amazing work that will be done with your money, and I know that it will help me keep pedalling.  Cross your fingers for me - I'll need it!